Bummed About Larry

It’s hard to believe it was that long ago. I’m trying to do the math in my tiny, addled brain and I’m stumbling, partly because I find simple arithmetic challenging, and partly because I’m trying to deny how old I must be for this to be true. 2004 minus 1987 is 17? Seventeen years ago? I must have been playing on my 8088. That fuckin’ thing didn’t even have a hard-drive. Damn. I’m old.

Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards came on 5 1/4″ floppy disks and delivered its graphic splendor in 16 colors or less. I played it. It was fun. The game was basically a text adventure with graphics. Navigation was accomplished by entering text commands: knock on door, open window, put on condom, that sort of thing.

The second LSL game utilized the brand new VGA graphics. It was pretty much the same thing but with slightly better images. You still never really saw anything, no titty, no booty, no clam, but it was still fun. So were the next two games. I’m pretty sure I played them all.

Recently, the LSL games have been resurrected with Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude. And it’s horrible. Al Lowe was the man behind the original games but he didn’t have anything to do with this one. It’s sort of like Brittany’s Dance Party only with slightly more boobies bouncing in bikini tops. No puzzles, no characters worth remembering, no plot. I rented it for the PS2 and played it for about ten minutes. Hitting the directional arrows to a beat is not my idea of a good time, even if there’s a possibility of seeing some titty, which I don’t think there actually was. I saw a PC version of the game called Uncut and Uncensored that advertises itself as having all the nudity and sex scenes left in. That one apparently has some titty, but free porn is way too plentiful for me to be willing to drop $40 on a lame rip-off of a classic game just to see the titties. And I’m a little creeped-out by the thought of the sex scenes. It just doesn’t seem right. Some things are better left to the imagination.

Poor Larry.


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