The Daily Show I would Like To Have Seen

Stewart: Senator Rick Santorum, thank you for being on the show.

Santorum: Thank you for having me.

Stewart: I have a copy of your book here: It Takes A Family. I assume you have styled it after the 1968 movie, starring Robert Wagner, It Takes a Thief, or perhaps after your favorite rap singer’s album of the same name, It Takes a Thief, by Coolio.

Santorum: No. Actually, I just wanted to emphasize the importance of family in modern society.

Stewart: Oh. You weren’t tacitly admitting through subtle literary allusion that republicans have become the modern-day equivalent to the Twelfth and Thirteenth century robber barons of Europe, stealing shamelessly like thieves from the working class?

Santorum: Between a man and a woman.

Stewart: Yeah, whatever. Is it true that you and your wife brought home your stillborn child to hug and kiss it in bed with your other, living, children?

Santorum: I don’t feel comfortable talking about that.

Stewart: I bet you don’t! That sh*t’s f*cking whack, buddy. It’s a freaking corpse and you’re all putting your lips on it and hugging it and it must have been all cold and blue and stiff with the rigor mortis. Ugh! I bet you scarred your, living, children for life. Did you ever think about that? What if they grow up thinking it’s appropriate to cuddle with corpses? How you gonna’ feel when junior starts rummaging through graveyards in search of companionship, or jumps into an open casket and starts spooning someone’s dearly departed at the next funeral?

Santorum: I thought we aqreed before the show that we wouldn’t talk about this.

Stewart: Yeah, whatever. You ever notice how you politicians never answer the f*cking question? You just keep spewing your “talking points” ad nauseam. I think it’s lame.

Santorum: Are you calling me lame?

Stewart: And what’s with the fecal lube thing?

Santorum: Excuse me?

Stewart: Oh, don’t play dumb with me, Senator; I know it’s no act. Everyone knows that santorum is the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex. And it happens to be your last name. How do you explain that?


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