Government at its Best

The other day I dropped a pen.

When I bent over to pick it up, all of a sudden I realized Treasury Secretary John Snow’s nose was up my ass.

I said, “Why is your nose up my ass?”

He said, “It is vital to the war on terror that my nose is up your ass.”

Treasury Secretary John Snow then said that the nose-up-my-ass effort is “government at its best” and it is “entirely consistent with our democratic values, with our best legal traditions.”

Snow went on to say, “By keeping my nose up your ass, we’ve been able to locate operatives, we’ve been able to locate their financiers, we’ve been able to chart the terrorist networks and we’ve been able to bring the terrorists to justice.” Then he said, “If al-Qaida is up your ass, we want to know about it.”

Then Vice President Dick Cheney waddled in, “What I find most disturbing about the al-Qaida-is-up-your-ass stories is that some of the news media take it upon themselves to disclose these vital national security programs, thereby making it more difficult for us to climb quietly up the asses of the American people.” Then Cheney squawked, “That offends me.”

Slipping quietly out of Vice President Dick Cheney’s ass, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said, “The Justice Department has reviewed the program and we believe it is awesome. It’s really just super.”

Poking his head out of Vice President Dick Cheney’s ass, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld then said, “And you can be sure that when, I mean, if the next, I mean, another terrorist attack strikes in, on, around, or umm… within the continental United States it will be because we haven’t looked far enough up your ass. It’s the only way to stop the terrorists, bless your heart.”

The president wanted to add to the conversation, I could tell, but Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld wouldn’t move out of the way.

Never did find that pen.

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