Hi, I’m Dick Cheney’s penis. I know, I know, it’s hard to see me because I’m so small. But listen, I really hope there’s another terrorist attack soon. I have been so limp for so long, I almost can’t remember what it’s like to be erect. I seriously have not been fully erect since those guys flew those planes into the World Trade Center. Man, that was great. Two and a half full inches of raging, turgid, man-meat. You have no idea how fat I was then, and for days and days without flagging. Oh, how hard I was. I almost didn’t mind being shoved up Alberto’s stinking, Mexican ass, that’s how hard I was.
I’m sure I’m speaking for every dick in the PNAC when I say that we were all feeling pretty sad for a long time because nobody would take our idea of invading Iraq seriously. We knew it would be a real wank-fest if we could just kill a few towel-heads and start strutting like cocks on the walk and sucking all the juicy crude up from beneath that sandy hell-hole of a country. We knew it would be an awesome adventure and everyone would be so envious of us. But no one would listen. No no no, it would be disastrous, they said. The rest of the world will hate us, they said. Too many of our troops will die, they said. Peace, freedom, justice, blah blah blah, bunch of fucking pussies. Honestly, no one would give our brilliant scheme the time of day. It was so humiliating.
So when those buildings crashed and burned, we (the respective cocks of guys like Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Jeb Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, and Paul Wolfowitz) collectively blew the biggest fucking load we have ever blown in our entire fucking lives. Imagine us all curled up like sad little dicks, sweating in the dark, humid confines of our trousers, sitting there stewing in our depression, wondering why we never seem to get the credit we deserve for being such upstanding dicks, drooling our despair into our silk boxer shorts, when all of a sudden, bang! We had our solution. Yeah! Splooge city! That was so fucking awesome! We knew right then that the American people would go along with us no matter what kind of crackpot nonsense we might spew now. Because of what those assholes from Saudi Arabia did to those towers we knew we had a blank check to blow up the towel-headed nation of our choice. Yippee!! Now we can invade Iraq, just like we always wanted. Not like it matters that Iraq had nothing to do with the attack at all: no one in America can tell any of those fucking camel-jockeys apart. And besides we couldn’t very well go after Saudi Fucking Arabia could we, the Bin Laden family would be so upset with us. Duh.
So anywayz… that was awesome being so rock hard for so long. I remember all the tough talk Dick made from inside the bunker. Oh man, he nearly rubbed me raw, but it was worth it. Oh the mess I made. But it’s been a while now. Frankly, the only time I’ve popped recently was when Dick shot that guy in the face. That was it. And it really wasn’t that great of a load because of all the people around. I hope next time he thinks to use Air Force One instead of a limo to go shoot anyone, it’s so much more private.
So what I’m trying to say is I need some more. I’m like a junky and I really need another fix. But nothing Dick does these days is really working. The Abu Ghraib photos aren’t even working anymore. And Guantanamo has been getting so much media attention lately that it’s no longer practical to sneak over there and waterboard a few detainees for a quick jerk. I’m desperate for another good ejaculation, and nothing short of the kind of disaster that will send normal, thinking Americans into a blind fury will suffice. I sure hope something bad happens soon, otherwise I may wither up and fall off.
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- June 28, 2006 / 10:11 pm