How To Beat The Theists
Never ones to idle away when there’s work to be done, the crack research team at Wad’s Place is following up the wildly successful three part series on the futility of atheism with another instant-classic outlining a simple, three point plan for defeating the theists. It’s crazy, yes, we know! We can’t help ourselves.
As we have already explained, you probably can’t beat the theists. That’s the bad news. But you are unconvinced! And that’s why we like you.
Before we explain this most sure-fire method for completely erasing every flavor of theism from every corner of our globe, let us give you the other bad news first: you will have to do this alone. That’s right, no one can help you. Apart from telling you how to do it, even we, the crack research team at Wad’s Place, can’t help you. So sad.
So beware that by joining or starting any organization to further these plans of yours, you will simply become the thing you hate. Remember, religions are just organizations with slightly more kooky members, cults slightly less. Joining one or the other of the warring factions or forming yet another is just perpetuating the status quo.
OK, got it? Good. Here’s how to beat ’em:
1. You must be more spiritual than the theists.
Sound counter-intuitive? Maybe it is. But you have to go for the throat if you really want to do this thing. Find spirituality and personify it. Be more beatific than every god-damned saint in the entire saintly pantheon. Be more enlightened than Buddha. Be more mystical than all the elephant headed gods in India. Do this, and you will win.
2. You must be more compassionate than the theists.
Give, give, give, ’til you can’t give no more, and then give some more. Work to raise the down-trodden up. Become a one-man or one-woman charity for the world. Selflessly, with no thought of thanks or repayment, spend every waking moment of your life helping those who need help. Do this, and you will win.
3. You must be more tolerant than the theists.
Identify the people you hate, and love them. Turn the other cheek. Look down upon no one. Respect every other living creature on this planet as you respect yourself, and respect yourself, too. Do this, and you will win.
There you go. Simple.
We’re fucking doomed.
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- March 20, 2007 / 6:45 am